Harry Potter and the IllAdvised Fanfiction
by Hasfusel
Summary: Alternative title; "An Argument for the Criminalisation of Reckless and Unreasonable Shipping within Fanfiction." A riveting tale of love, adventure, friendship and poorly designed metaphysics.


Harry Potter and the Ill-Advised Fanfiction

By Hasfusel~

_Chapter One: The Fall of the Fourth Wall_

January 13th, 2006

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, outside

Harry and Malfoy faced each other across the snowy field, wands ready at their sides. There was an almost palpable atmosphere of tension and anticipation amongst the crowd of onlookers; mostly sixth year students from Slytherin and Gryffindor, with the odd Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff here and there.

"So, Potter," began Malfoy. "I have to admit you've got guts to challenge me like this. I never thought you had it in you," he sneered. "This is where we'll decide it. We fight to the death, and the winner gets the hand of the beautiful Ron."

Harry didn't reply, but looked towards Ron, who stood at the edge of the crowd at an equal distance from the pair. Ron's gaze flitted anxiously between Harry and Malfoy, desperately trying to make up his mind so that he could announce who he had chosen to be his lover and end this duel before somebody got hurt. Hermione was at his side, whispering urgently into his ear. Her eyes were red from crying, and she looked sick with worry and fear.

"It's too late, Hermione," said Harry, wistfully. "This is the only way we'll ever properly resolve this. One of us must die this day." He turned back towards Malfoy, and nodded, acknowledging his rival. "When you're ready." Harry's face was grim and determined.

Malfoy nodded back, with a look of begrudging respect. "Very well. Ron, count us down."

As Ron tearfully began to count down from ten, Harry noticed that he was gripping his wand so hard that it hurt. A bead of sweat tricked down his forehead. He gritted his teeth, muscles tensing.

"Five..." Harry became aware of Ron's voice. _I'm doing this for you, Ron, _he thought._ For our happiness together._ "T-two... One..."

"Avada Kedavra!"

Harry leapt to the side, narrowly avoiding a blast of green light from Malfoy's wand, and raised his own. "Expelliarmus!" he cried, and the spell struck Malfoy in the chest, sending him sprawling. The crowd parted behind him as his wand flew several feet backwards through the air. Malfoy picked himself shakily to his feet, and spat out a bloody tooth. He stared at Harry with hatred and fear in his eyes, waiting for him to deliver the fatal curse. Ron fainted into Hermione's arms, and the onlookers gasped with anticipation.

Harry gestured towards Malfoy's wand. "Pick it up. I won't kill you unarmed." Harry's voice was cold steel. Malfoy didn't speak a word, nor did he take his eyes off Harry as he edged back towards his wand.

He snatched up his wand and pointed it at Harry in one rapid, fluid motion. "Expelliarmus!" yelled Malfoy, but Harry had already dodged aside, and the spell flew away across the field. There was a loud noise like a building collapsing in the distance, but all eyes were on the two young wizards.

"Flipendo!" shouted Harry, a stream of blue light shooting out of his wand towards Malfoy. The blond wizard waved his wand and the spell was deflected up into the sky.

Malfoy doubled over with laughter, clutching his sides. "That spell isn't even canon, you idiot!" he spluttered between laughs, and then froze suddenly, his expression changing from mirth to horror. "Wh... what did I just say?"

The crowd fell silent, and Harry stumbled back, struck with a flood of terrible awareness. He remembered the sound of the collapsing building a minute ago, and realised its significance.

"Oh, crumbs," he mumbled to himself. "We've broken the fourth wall."

_-Later-_

Harry and Malfoy sat next to each other awkwardly in the Gryffindor common room, while Ron wept quietly in an armchair in the corner of the room. Hermione paced up and down, biting her nails, appearing to be thinking frantically.

"Where is everybody?" asked Harry, finally. The common room was empty except for them.

Hermione stopped, and looked at him, her expression a portrait of grim concentration. "They're probably all out wandering around, trying to get to grips with our new meta-awareness of ourselves as fictional characters. I must admit I'm having a lot of difficulty processing all this information myself."

"You don't say," muttered Malfoy, his voice weak. He looked ill. "I still don't have a fucking clue what's going on. What the hell happened back there?"

"I'm not quite sure," answered Hermione, her voice uncertain. "I think that spell you cast missed Harry and hit the Fourth Wall. You must be a more powerful wizard than I originally gave you credit for, to have demolished it like this with a mere Expelliarmus."

"But how did it hit the Fourth Wall?" asked Harry, looking utterly confused. "This doesn't make any sense. I thought it was an imaginary boundary between fiction and the audience. How could it have any physical presence, and why in the middle of the Hogwarts field?"

"I have absolutely no idea, to be honest." Hermione's voice was glum. "This is generally the point where I get pulled out of the action to do research in the Library for a few chapters. All I can guess so far is that this has to be some sort of fanfic, since a proper author would never pull something as retarded as this and besides, I don't think J.K. Rowling even knows what metafiction means, let alone have the ability to turn her work into some sort of postmodernist deconstruction."

"Oh, sweet Dumbledore's beard," moaned Ron, from the corner of the common room. "A bloody fanfic. Now I know why I'm in love with fucking Malfoy, of all the people it could be."

"W-what about me?" cried Harry, as Malfoy punched the air gleefully, his face split into a massive grin.. "You promised me that you only had something superficial with Malfoy! What happened to our spiritual connection?"

"I-I'm sorry, Harry," said Ron, his voice quivering as he began to cry again. "I've been t-thinking since the duel, and Malfoy and me j-just have something s-special togeth-"

"Hold it," interjected Hermione angrily. "I can't let anyone get away with grammar like that. Ron should have said Malfoy and _I_. 'Me just have something'? I think not! Who the hell's writing this shit, a toddler?"

"Calm the fuck down, Hermione," said Harry, through gritted teeth. "It doesn't matter right now. Ron loves Malfoy and nothing's important anymore. My life has lost all meaning."

"Oh, get over it, Potter," said Malfoy, not unkindly. He put an arm around Harry's shoulder. "If it's any consolation, our love is ultimately just the whim of some insane fangirl. It doesn't even make sense. Me and Ron barely have any interaction throughout the entire series. You'd make a much better ship with him."

"I guess so," conceded Harry miserably. "To be honest, I'm just grateful I'm not being shipped with Snape or anything."

There was an ominous silence, and the colour drained from Harry's face as he realised the direction that the plot would take. "Oh, fuck my life."

_To be continued_


End file.
